


Waiting For You With Confidence

by RippingOffZeppelin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Character study (sort of), Drabble, M/M, Poe-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-16 15:17:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11831430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RippingOffZeppelin/pseuds/RippingOffZeppelin
Summary: “-you’re waiting because you thought it would follow, you thought there would be some logic, perhaps, something to pull it all together but here we are in the weeds again, here we are in the bowels of the thing: your world doesn’t make sense.”Poe waits.





	Waiting For You With Confidence

**Author's Note:**

> I meant to post this ages ago but here we go anyway
> 
> (Quote and title from Richard Siken because of course they are.)

 

 

Poe watches his knuckles turn white as he clutches onto his old jacket, he pushes his thumb through the hole in the shoulder, catching dark flecks of ash under his fingernail. It’s been five hours since the last ship touched base, five hours since the doors to the medical wing were sealed shut, five hours and he doesn’t even know if Finn’s _alive_.

Visitors aren’t allowed into medical and the doors have only opened once since Finn was rushed in, opening to let out a few medics going to tend to small wounds of pilots still on the air base, one droid stopped in front of him to try and look at the scratches on his face but he brushed it off, insisting it go look after other people. That was three hours ago.

He hears footsteps approaching from the end of the long hallway and he's vaguely aware of someone stopping to stand in front of him. He doesn't look up to check but he knows it's Jess when she says his name, it’s quiet and hesitant as she moves to sit next to him, he slides over slightly so she has room but doesn’t take his eyes off the jacket. He can feel her staring at him, can feel concern radiating off her in waves.

"I heard the medics talking to the General" she says, he looks up at her then, her lips are pressed in a thin line and her brow is furrowed the way it gets when she’s worried about something, he clutches onto the jacket tighter.  “He has a 40% chance of waking up Poe” she says, softer then he’s ever heard her, her eyes sweep over his face as his fingers continue to trace the charred edges of the leather, he looks back down at the jacket and thinks one broken, grateful, _he’s alive,_ before slowly nodding his head, it takes him a moment to find his voice 

“That’s better then nothing” he chokes out, voice wavering more then he’d like it to.

“Poe-“ she tries

“He’s going to wake up” he interrupts, pulling the jacket closer to him

“Poe-” she tries again, he shakes his head and leans back against the wall, closing his eyes,

“He’s going to wake up Jess” she’s quiet for a long time before slowly reaching out to unclench his hands from the jacket, holding them in hers

“I just need to know you’re going to be prepared if he doesn’t” Poe turns back to her at that, squeezing her hands 

“He’s going to wake up” he says again, determined, and he almost believes himself that time, she nods at him, smiling like she’s trying her best to believe him too.

“Ok” she says and doesn’t let go of his hands.

-

It takes two days for the doors to medical to open again, a med droid moves out and let’s Poe walk in with it, he stands a couple feet away looking over at Finn lying still and expressionless, hooked up to a handful of different machines. It hurts to see him like this, so dull compared to the natural vibrancy he radiates, nurses moving carefully around him, but he’s alive, and really it’s all Poe can think, _he’s alive, he’s here, he’s going to be ok_ -

and then he crashes.

Poe manages to see Finn for twenty seven seconds before he crashes. Before the monitor that lets out steady beeps with every beat of Finn’s heart stutters into a horrible drawn out high pitched noise, before medics and nurses yell and rush to Finn’s side, before he’s shoved out of the room. Twenty seven seconds of relief before it all gets ripped away again.

He doesn’t know how long he stands outside the room with his forehead resting on the cold metal of the closed door but he stays there until he hears the steady beeping start again, till he hears the heartbeat he’s been waiting for. He closes his eyes and lets out the breath he’s been holding, it’s meant to be an exhale but it catches somewhere in his throat and comes out as more of a sob.

-

He sits on the same bench outside of medical, picking at the ash that’s still caught under his fingernails just to give himself something to do. He left the jacket in his room after ripping the hole further by tugging at it’s burnt edges, it’s been a full week since Finn crashed and he hasn’t heard anything other than the words “he’s stable” on repeat from medics that are done dealing with him. If he closes his eyes and focuses hard enough he can hear the muffled beeping of the heart monitor from where he’s sitting, it might just be in his head but it’s comforting nonetheless.

He starts spending every day on the bench, most mornings when he pulls himself out of bed, he manages to convince himself not to, instead he goes to the mess hall to eat breakfast before heading to the hanger to clean out his X-Wing. He's slowly repairing the parts broken from the battle, it's comforting in it's routine, but he only ever manages to make it a few hours before he ends up back outside medical before the afternoon’s even over, legs and hands shaking from the need to do something, from the need to reach out and feel Finn, alive and breathing under his hands. 

-

Weeks pass without any improvement, he turns the words _“He has a 40% chance of waking up Poe”_ over in his head until he gets dizzy with it. There’s a ball of frustration buried between his eyes and pounding in his brain, he hasn’t had a helpful update since Finn was stabilised after the crash and it’s carving out a hollow space in his chest the longer he goes without hearing anything. Snap came to sit next to him an hour ago, quiet like he never is, as he watches Poe breathe shallowly, he’s holding the jacket close to him, he didn’t want to touch it again after he ripped it worse, but he looked at it for a long time this morning, as it sat on the chair in his room, broken and burnt, a mockery of what it once was, he didn’t have the heart to let it stay that way. He clutches a needle and thread in his right hand, it's shaking as he makes messy stitches in the leather that refuse to catch and he can feel Snap watching him with worried eyes, but he can’t bring himself to stop sewing, it takes a couple more tries before Snap lays a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Poe, buddy, it’s a lost cause” Poe flinches, hands stuttering over another attempt at looping the thread, he knows Snap means the jacket but it hits too close to thoughts he’s done a great job at avoiding so far

“It’s not” he says pushing the needle through the jacket again, the thread slides through roughly as Poe tugs harder than he means to

“Poe-“ Snap tries again letting his hand slide to Poe’s elbow trying to pause his movements

“It’s not a lost cause ok?” he tries to raise his voice but it cracks before it gets a chance to “I can fix it, don’t you get it? someone can fix it” his grip tightens on the jacket “I have to fix it” He doesn’t realise he’s crying till Jess kneels in front of him, pulling him into her arms, he didn’t even notice her arrive.

“We’ll fix it Poe” she says as Snap carefully takes the jacket from him “We’ll fix it”

-

It been a month when he gets called in to see General Organa, a full month and Finn’s still not awake. He’s allowed into medical now and he spends his time alternating between sitting by Finn’s bed and sitting on the bench outside, somedays it’s just easier to breathe when he can’t see the fragility of the machines that are keeping Finn alive. The General looks as tired as Poe feels when he sits across from her, she gives him a long assessing look, he’s almost gotten used to them by now, gotten used to how it feels like she can read his mind if she tried hard enough. She sighs heavily, it feels like the weight of years past as she lets her shoulders drop

“You have to know to expect the worst Commander Dameron” she says, it’s not mean, in fact it’s far from it as she looks at him with sad eyes but Poe’s beginning to get frustrated at people trying to protect him.

“And hope for the best” he replies steadily, filling it with confidence he doesn’t have, her face softens at that and she moves around the desk to place a gentle hand on his shoulder

“As always Commander” she nods, there’s a loaded pause where he realises what’s about to happen, why he was called in in the first place “You’re needed on a mission” she says walking back around to reach the files lying on the desk, Poe squeezes his eyes shut briefly before snapping back into attention, he has a job to do, a life outside of waiting on metal benches and tracking lines of heartbeats.

“Of course” he says leaning forward. It turns out to be a simple emergency relief mission, they’re flying out to offer aid to the colonies of the planets hurt in the attack of the Starkiller Base. Poe nods along to the instructions pulling at a loose thread at the hem of his shirt, there’s the barest trace of ash left on his fingers, he stares at it achingly before pushing it out of his mind. He likes relief missions, it makes him feel better about all the damage he couldn’t prevent in the wake of an attack, it makes him feel like he has some control. A simple two day mission a week from today, with a fleet of supply ships isn’t anything he can’t handle but it makes him itch in a way it never has before, the General gives him a considering look

“If he wakes up-” she starts

“-When he wakes up” Poe corrects automatically, wincing internally at himself, but she only nods at him, it’s quiet between them for a beat before she smiles

“When he wakes up" she says "You’ll be notified immediately” and Poe quietly lets out a long shallow breath of relief “This mission will do you good I think” she says softly “Flying might be what you need right now” Poe nods, it just might be.

-

He’s packing the aid supplies in the loading ships when Jess corners him, he was expecting it, if he’s honest, but he’s doing a good job of only thinking about this mission, he managed to finished sewing the jacket that morning, lying it down on his bed and bypassing medical for the hanger bay, it was hard in a way it shouldn't be, and he doesn't really want to talk about it. He tries to ignore her but she continues to frown at him before he finally gives up stacking boxes to fully face her, her eyes dart over his face, reaching out to brush some hair behind his ear

“I just-“ she starts, sighing heavily and moves around him to load the last crate onto the ship, she turns back to him determined “I just think you need to think about why this is hurting you so much” she says, and she’s so rarely this soft with him, so careful with how she chooses her words, it’s kind of driving him mad with how delicate she’s been for the last month, how delicate they’ve all been.

“I- I care about him?” he says unsure, turning to close the shuttle doors

“I know you do Poe” she says “But I don’t think you realise how much” He looks back at her and she’s got a look on her face Poe can’t decipher 

“What do you mean?” he tries but she just gives him a small smile patting his cheek gently 

“You’ll get there” she says before turning and walking back across the hanger bay "Good luck with the mission tomorrow" she calls before disappearing around the corner, he thinks about it for the rest of the day and he still doesn’t understand what she means.

-

It’s on the edge of midnight that night, a little over a month after Finn went into a coma that Poe realises what Jess meant, her words suddenly clicking together in his head. Honestly, he thinks, he knows he’s known for being a bit slow with these things but this might just set a new record. He wonders briefly if everyone knows, he thinks they probably do, from the soft way his crew looks at him to the sadness that lurks behind the General’s eyes, like she understands. He supposes she does, she knows what it’s like to lose someone, they all do, maybe her more than anyone, but she knows what it’s like to _wait_ for someone. Knows what it’s like to feel love against better judgement, feel it when it’d be better not to. 

_Love,_ he thinks, turning the word over in his mind, honestly, it really did take him long enough.

-

Poe wakes up that morning at six fifteen am.

Finn wakes up on the same morning five hours after Poe has left for his mission.

He receives the transmission when they’re a little over halfway to the first planet, it’s full of static and cut off words scratching over the open comm line but he hears it with ringing clarity when the voice says-

_“He’s awake”_

Poe carefully takes in a deep steadying breath, closing his eyes for a second over the shocked chatter from Snap and the other pilots flying with them. When he opens them again he can almost see Finn’s face lit up with a bright smile in front of him and he lets out a loud bark of laughter, it probably sounds hysteric, he thinks, but he’s having a hard time caring about anything over the rush of relief running through him.

-

He touches down back at base two days later and the first thing he’s greeted with is Jess walking quickly towards him in a manner he supposes is meant to seem relaxed but is anything but

“General wants to see you before you run off” is what she opens with

“Finn-“ he tries but she shakes her head at him

“He's still having tests run on him by overly cautious med droids” she takes a step forward taking his helmet from his slack grip “See the General and after that-” she pauses giving him a soft smile “No one’s gonna make you leave him” He doesn’t know if she knows he realised what she was trying to tell him before but she probably does, she’s always been better at this than him. He gives her a quick smile and hurries through the base to the Generals quarters, he’s shaking in a way he can’t seem to stop but it no longer feels as frantic, as restless, it suddenly feels a lot like hope.

“Commander” she greets him as he strides into her office

“General” he nods “How is everyone?” he asks, trying to shoot for casual and missing by a galaxy, her brow crinkles in understanding, her lips turning up at the corners

“Finn is ok” she says and Poe wonders when he became so transparent with his feelings, _always_ , he thinks, there was never any hiding it, they all knew before he did. The debrief doesn’t take long, the delivery was simple and the colonies gladly accepted the help the Resistance offered. He tries his hardest when he leaves not to run to medical and he makes it about half the way before breaking into a dead sprint.

He could walk the corridor of the med bay with his eyes shut at this point, its winding passages a familiar map under his feet, but it seems so much longer than normal now, every quick step down the hallway matching the rapid beating of his heart. The door is open when he approaches and he stops dead, there’s muffled sounds spilling out and travelling down to where he stands frozen and it’s almost too much suddenly, Poe wishes he had something to do with his hands, his fingernails are clean again and the jacket is still lying on his bed, mended messily with thread that doesn’t quite match the leather in colour but holds it together in a way that seemed impossible just a couple weeks ago, he debates briefly turning around to grab it but he’s been waiting so long for this, and it’s not like every other time he sat with Finn, he knows when he crosses the threshold that Finn will be there but he’ll be _awake._

He enters slowly, casting his eyes around the room even though he knows exactly where to go, one of the nurses catches his eye and grins widely, it's enough to get him moving fast again. Finn is sitting up when Poe approaches, his arm is outstretched as a med droid carefully pulls tubes from his skin, Finn is talking to it as it works, his legs kicking slightly back and forth where they hang off the side of the bed and Poe can’t hear anything over the sudden rush of blood in his ears. It’s been nearly two months since he’s seen Finn awake, talking, moving, it hurts in a way he wasn’t entirely expecting, he can’t seem get his throat to work as he stares but it only takes a few moments till Finn glances around the room, eyes passing over Poe and quickly darting back as he recognises him standing there

“Poe Dameron” he calls with a bright smile, voice carrying across the space between them, flexing his arm when the med droid releases it “It’s good to see you” Poe lets the words echo through him, happiness pounding at his rib cage, hysterical laughter bubbles up inside him again but he manages to shape it into something less broken before it comes out.

“Yeah buddy” he says, stepping closer, proud of how steady his voice is “It’s good to see you too”

 

**Author's Note:**

> this is a short ramble of a (sort of) character study, Thanks for reading :)


End file.
